it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
