I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
