That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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