Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
