And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
