Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
