why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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