The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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