ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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