youre lurking in front of me
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
