i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
as a side note pls kill me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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