So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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