I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
