Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
