fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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