Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
