I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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