When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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