Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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