respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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