i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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