Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I wear drunk well.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
