Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
