you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
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