Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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