Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
