Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
