Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I AM VODKA MAN
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
