last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
