You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
