I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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