Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
