I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
PANTIES FOUND
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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