so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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