Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
