office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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