You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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