Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
