Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
