Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love you. Go after that dick
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
the raccoons are back...
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