i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
