also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
