Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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