Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
