I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
