i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
