I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
