She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
