Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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