I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
only you would photoshop your dick
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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