No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
